Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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