I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
