Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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