I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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