We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
