Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
