if you like me you must not know who I am
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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