I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize