She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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