The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
