I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
