my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
