pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i believe in u and ur pee
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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