DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
