I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
