Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
