The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
