I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
