Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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