At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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