why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
