I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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