barbara walters just said penis...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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