Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
