i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
