How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
