Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry about my life...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
