i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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