i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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