I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
