I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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