seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
