hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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