Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize