Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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