the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
