Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
