I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize