She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
