I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
