If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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