The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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