i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
