Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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