remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
