She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
