How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
