i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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