i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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