I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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