You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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