I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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