i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize