The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
