i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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