the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
