you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
