I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
