So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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