im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
