If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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