I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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