Dude my mom stole all your condoms
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
